'Merica: Dipping a grilled cheese sandwich in Trader Joe's store brand palak paneer

Y'ever been eating a grilled cheese sandwich and thought, "I wish that I was dipping this into some puréed spinach curry," but been unable to?

Or, y'ever been eating palak paneer and been like, "this is good, but even though it's a cheese dish already, I wish that it was piggy-backing on top of another cheese dish" and held onto that thought?

Well, I figured it out, and I stand by the decision. I would stand by it, but hot-goddamn, I just ate a lot of carbs (the carbs in the photos) and I want to pass out.

Microwaved right in the frozen food packaging. Awwww yeaaaah.

Look at this olive bread!

There are Whole Foods grocery stores all over the place out here.

LOOK AT THIS BREAD THAT I'M EATING!!!!!

The whole thing is 840 calories, which is a lot of food, but it's not SOOOOO calorie dense that I can't just shrug it off and go, "it was a meal; I ate a meal" if I eat the whole thing today.

The bread was shaped like a cool squiggle, but you can't really tell that from the photo.

Mixed feelings about being good at food.

Okay, I am eating this:

From our garden shed, which has a view of this:

As you can tell by the bright, sunny weather, it's mid-July out here in Seattle.

Now, in the photo of our garden, you can see the very same kale and broccoli plants that I'm eating, in the photo of my plate.

Look, most of the food is now gone:

This meal is nutritious, it tastes good, and is almost as homemade as possible. 

The fried polenta cakes were sliced from one of those pantry-stable loaves at Trader Joe's. The butter I used was the Kroger store-brand from Fred Meyer. The fork was store-bought. The plate was store-bought. The vinegar I used on the brown-butter polenta and the lemon olive oil used as a finisher on the brown butter broccoli was from that Pike Place run I wrote (boring to read, thrilling to live) about about a week ago. Bam:

And the kale salad had Trader Joe's store brand cilantro dressing massaged into it, and also the Parmesan cheese was from somewhere, too. I don't have any dairy animals, and I don't make my own cheese. I buy cheese.

But the kale and broccoli came from some seeds that my husband and I planted in the garden boxes that my husband and I (mostly him, because I was doing homework all spring) built earlier this year, on a raised yard area that my husband and I, several friends, and our landlord all built together last summer. WE BUILT THAT SHIT FROM SEEDS!!!!!!

Besides that, the food I'm eating was also a home-cooked meal that I prepared, and it doesn't suck. It's still simply made, it's still vegetarian, and it's still greasy. (Not that I think vegetarian meals suck, but the ones I prepare often are, especially to carnivorous palates.) So my own standards were met. But I set my youthful dedication to being kinda icky aside, and gave this a real shot. And the shot landed where it needed to, and the whole thing was lovely.

Any time that something youthful is set aside, I get this horrid little ticking clock feeling inside myself, like my cells are decaying, and I only have a finite number of years as an organism, and I may never have children because my health is quite bad and also because I really love taking very effective contraception (it's awesome), and, and, and even if I live a vivid life of love, adventure, laughter, and social connection, that I too will die. Oh, the sadness. I am the first person ever, who ever lived, to have such precious feelings about my own unique, special mortality. 

(*belch*)

But really, the "running out of time" anxiety I'm feeling is about 87% just that it's Sunday afternoon, and the grad school assignments that were due at 5pm on Friday still aren't done. I have a note, I always have a note, and I can get freshened-up doctor's notes at any time. 

I'm usually whiz-bang at school-stuff, but I'm not yet at the "Eureka!" stage. I'm stuck in the "I reek-a" stage, which is laaaaammmmeeeeee. Ugh. 

I probably say this all the time, but I wish that I still lived in the sweet bubble of clock-obliviousness in which I spent my intoxicated, dropout teens, before sobering up and upgrading to the higher-brow high of academia. Except that I was still a virgin, and I didn't have a driver's license, I didn't know how to fill out a job application, and I threw a lot of tantrums that I now deeply regret. So, I guess I should probably shut up about it, because adolescence sucks. 

Adolescence is, at best, like a shitty version of retirement. Entirely too few memories, not enough personal autonomy, and typically a deficit of shuffleboard. Typically. Whereas being a really old, retired person is (probably?) way cooler on every level.

UGH, NOW I WANT TO BE REALLY, REALLY OLD. Like, Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude old. Or Ruth Gordon in Every Which Way But Loose old. I could make old look so cool! So, fuck. Homework. Fuck. Gotta get to second-not-shitty-childhood already. Gotta keep pushing. Gotta get there. Gotta get old. Gotta just get my young adulthood over and done with. Winnebago Warrior, brave as old John Wayne, feed Doritoes to the bears, tell your graaaaand son who's the boss!

I am aging too fast, and I am not aging fast enough.

Uh...gotta think of a good way to end this...uh...

Huhhuhhuh I just "saw" some caulk. Huhhuhhuh "caulk."

These ain't your granny's Granny Smith Apples

Either there's something wrong with these apples, or there's something wrong with me, but they taste mild and delicious when they're supposed to be punishingly sour. 

Like, I don't even know anymore, man.

Eggs & Brains! (Bad Brains)

As is often the case, it is now time to play loud Bad Brains in the kitchen while frying eggs.

Not pictured in this photo: eggs.

Guest Blogger AJ Apelian! "turducken scramble cheese balls in: amazon.com has way too much power."

(lindsay, i am purposely gonna not capitalize so don't fix that, okay? it's  just a style thing i have super become attached to. also it'd be totes kewl if you could italicize where i do. i know how big of a pain in the ass this is with blogspot if the copy paste don't pick up on it. but it is super important! also also i'll send pictures and they are hecka labeled. also also also hi hello i am demanding)

[Editor's note from Lindsay to AJ: I totally did that! Hello! Hello! I am an editor now! - Ed.]

[Editor's note from Lindsay to the readers: Hello to you as well! Here are some screenshots from AJ's Twitter, because not only is he a real person, and not only is he a real person who lives, like, right over there and is fun to pal around with, but he is also a writer, and, yay! Writers who hang out with writers! In his http://www.campcounseling.com/ thing (I know, my app doesn't "do" links), he wrote about wearing Bugles on his hands like claws, and that's as good as the use of the English language gets, in my opinion. I am still hoarding an original copy of one of his film school screenplays, too, because I'm cool--and by "cool" I mean "well-intended, but douchey"-- like that. - Ed.]

[This makes me want to actually do some baked potato ice cream, just to make up for it. Okay...LINDSAY OUT!!! *drops whatever editors use for microphones* - Ed.]

TITLE: turducken scramble cheese balls in: amazon.com has way too much power. 

[PICTURE 1 HERE, EDITOR'S NOT-RUDE-TO-THE-ARTICLE NOTE TO SELF - Ed.]

my day began in a confused haze. i know, i know. it sounds like am beginning a weird detective narrative, and while i like to pretend everything i do is hard-boiled, two-fisted, and pulse pounding, this haze was mostly due to having a lot of really weird dreams over the course of the night. 

these dreams -- you know the kind. they aren't illogical; in fact they are sort of mundane. there's no real sense of urgency. they are heavily populated, for sure. maybe you're in a bustling city or some kind of touristy, but usually sleepy town. point is, there is life, but it has little to no interest in you. 

maybe there's an aim to the dream. there might even be symbolism; it just doesn't seem quite too interested in making itself known. so you just bustle around. sure, things aren't quite right. you're relatively  sure a fifteen dollar sky gondola doesn't exist anywhere near you, but whatever.  you don't have to board. 

then, you wake up to a text message at seven o'clock in the morning on a sunday stating that amazon.com has a package for you at some "hub" that you can go pick up. or, at least, i woke up to this. naturally, instead of going back to sleep like a sane person would since a. i don't drive, and b. anyone who gets dressed to catch some buses -- am i the only one who thinks the plural of "bus" should have more than one "s?" -- in order to pick up some action figures at seven in the morning instead of waiting might just be actually be deranged, i decided to investigate. 

neither the amazon site nor the usps site could really tell me what the hell this hub was, or where it was located. it was not a local post office. it was just a thing somewhere in seattle. 

i scuttled outside and checked my mailbox. all i saw was a bunch of cars parked in front of the box. i got super pissed because who does that? i don't care if it is a sunday and physical mail is about as current as gallagher, we live in the age where no one wants to talk to anyone face to face, so packages are everywhere! also, it's a dick move in general. my blood sufficently angried up, and my head bobbing up and down under extreme fatigue, i checked my mail box.

it was totally empty, so i went back to sleep because getting mad turns me into a mega-garfield and it was way too early for lasagna, and though i'm relatively sure time stopped working the way it was supposed to, i knew that no way was it monday.  

...

i promise this will be about food at some point. please don't ian malcolm "dinosaurs at the dinosaur park" me.  it really will. look, here's the ingredients i used to make food! and no, it doesn't hurt my case that food isn't an after thought to this that i took the ingredients picture well after cooking, as indicated by the already cooked turkey and the complete lack of mozzarella in the mozzarella tub!

[PICTURE 2 HERE - Ed.]

the genesis of this idea came about when i had those new doritos loaded abominations from a 7-11. i was on day three of a hangover (or so i thought. turned out to be phase ii of a massive migraine attack, but i digress, because of course i digress), and i'd left work early because of it. taking into account that this had been a week full of verifiably impossibly bad decisions, some kind of cheese product crusted in dorito crumbs then deep-fried seemed downright scholarly. i'm not going to relay that experience to you, because i'm a good friend, but it got me thinking: what other twists could you put on the cheese ball?

cooking them today came from the very real fact it was going to be very hot, i live in a studio apartment, and i want to do as little cooking as possible. on saturday, i ordered a bunch of gyros in the mornings that i ate all day. i had leftover mozzarella fresca, a little over a pound of turkey tenderloin defrosting, and a really good idea: i'd cook the turkey up in some duck fat, shred the meat, scramble some chicken eggs in there (thus the turducken), then cover the cheese balls in the mixture.  meat and cheese dishes can be made in huge batches, then picked at all day and always taste good, in my experience, so i made a bunch.

i'm not gonna tell you how to season your turkey meat , i mean, if you wanna make these things, but the onion/worchestershire sauce/garlic mixture was to marinate beforehand, and i consider that essential. i also marinate literally everything i plan on cooking because i have a problem. speaking of essential, even though it is unsweetened, there still is that almond milk "this is like if milk was candy" taste, and that sweetness  mixes with the saltiness and the nip of vinegar in the worcestershire so nicely, so i'd use it most definitely.

now, duck fat, i guess we gotta talk about that, huh? it is not a common ingredient, and it might seem a little snooty since that jar is french as can be. but, nah, it's just a third option in cooking fats! still skeptical? 

okay, now, hear me out:

in one corner, you got your vegetable oils. they make everything taste all comfortable and fresh and are unobtrusive. they are the house at the end of the block that has always been there. you've never been inside, you've never really seen who lives there, but it definitely makes your block your block. in another corner, you have your butters. these are rich and inviting and hearty. they are the house you grew up in, they are grounded and feel substantial. but, here comes duck fat. it's healthier than butter and it tastes like it died to make your meal better.

...

fuck it. let's be honest. i was never gonna commit to that metaphor when all i had in my head before even starting was "it makes your dish taste like delicious martyrdom." so, use duck fat because that is a really cool turn of phrase. also, we gotta get back to the mysterious amazon text.

yeah, i bet you thought i wasn't going to come back around to that, didn't you? oh ye of little faith...

so, i wake up fourish hours after the original message, and apparently i missed a text from amazon that my package was in transit, to be delivered today. by the united states postal service. i am just baffled, because mail doesn't come on sundays! i was already confused about everything earlier, but now i legitimately don't  know what reality even is. i do a little digging and apparently has enough influence that the only thing the usps delivers on sundays is amazon packages. that is unsettling. i thought the drones were bad, but that is worse. they are making people work on their day off! that is the shittiest thing you can do to a person, amazon!

in order to better assist my mail carrier, who is totally a lady my age, i go see if i can will the car from in front of my mailbox away with pure hatred.

...

okay, aside time (yes, again)

at what age does it click that, yes, of course people your age will have jobs that can be actual careers? i am almost thirty, and any time i see someone around my age with a respectable job, i am thrown for a loop. people my age do this? this can happen? where did i go wrong? 

...

yeah, let's not get any more existential than that, because i used going outside as an excuse to buy an energy drink that tastes like iced tea and to check my mailbox for toys i ordered. which, naturally, hadn't arrived. 

the cooking went smoothly, but as you can see from the picture, keeping these guys in shape is a fool's errand. i guess i could've breaded and fried these bad boys, but it was way too hot. also, within minutes of finishing, my package arrived, and i had these guys to play with!

[PICTURE 3 HERE -Ed.]

[PICTURE 4 HERE - Ed.]

[PICTURE 5 HERE - Ed.]

i used about 20 oz of tenderloin and four eggs, and though the egg rehydrated the turkey and added an extra dimension to the flavor profile, i probably should've used more. it ended up acting more as a binding agent which was a plus for the cheese ball, but there was so much left over mixture that having more egg could've turned it a plain scramble. that or i could've cooked it in batches instead of all in one pan, but with the heat, i wanted it done as quickly as possible. i guess i'm gonna mix the leftovers with mayo and make sandwiches out of when i run out of cheeseballs and have just the crumbly turkey and egg salad to deal with.

Hn

i probably could just eat the rest with a spoon (it tastes super good), but i'd just have this in the back of my head the whole time.

[THE LAST PICTURE HERE - Ed.]

and really, if anyone from the film predator thought less of me, i just would not be able to function. XD

Pike a Place Market sells groceries.

Guess what's in Seattle? Pike Place Market!

Guess what has produce vendors like a farmer's market, and is kind of a farmer's market, but not really, and is also in downtown Seattle?!? Pike Place Market!!!

Guess what I didn't take any pictures of, when I decided to go grocery shopping while running errands downtown?!?!? Pike Place Market!!!!!!!!

I went to three produce vendors and two non-produce food vendors, and one not-food-and-also-not-in-Pike-Place-Market vendor today.

LOOK AT THIS FOOD!!!!!!!!

I bought a small glass of the pear apple cider at Martin Family Orchards, and it was very, very good, so I intend to buy a big ole jug of it at the University District farmer's market. They were sold out of the jugs of pear apple cider at Pike Place market today. It was pretty sweet and thick, so a good sweet-tooth drink, and it also tasted really like it was literally cider. Like, pressed fruit and whatnot. A little heavy to chug as liberally as water, but exactly right for rehydrating while quenching a sugar craving.

I also bought cherries while I was there, and it was a good decision.

Right next to the Martin Family Orchards booth was the booth for Sidhu Farms, a place with blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries. Both vendors were clearly friends, so I ate a blackberry sample, was really confused because there was no sour in the flavor, ate a raspberry sample, and was even more confused by the same absence of sour. So I bought raspberries. I would have purchased the blackberries, too, but wild blackberry picking is kind of a "thing" that my husband and I do. Also, because I really don't think I could have eaten more berries than what I'd already purchased. Seriously, though. I've already eaten the raspberries featured in the photograph above, and I took that picture MAYBE five minutes ago.

I'm a little worried about the fruit-binge that I'm on while writing this, to be honest, but not worried enough to stop eating. Yet.

I went to the indoor part of Pike Place, with the intention of buying some low-acidity salad dressing for more kale salad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, "kale." But for all its recent pretension, kale is also relatively hard to botch or kill, and it grows into abundance easily, so it's a very practical thing to grow in a backyard vegetable garden. Plus, "superfood," blah blah blah, shut up.

But on my hunt for salad dressing, I walked past Sosio's Fruit & Produce, because one of the crew there was handing out free peach slices. From that moment on, I impulse-shopped until my backpack was full. I bought five peaches, which the vendor picked out and labeled for me: three for "eat now" and two less-ripe ones for "eat later." (Just like the bag in the photo!) 

I also bought potatoes, little yellow onions, celery, green onions, bunched carrots, zucchini, and I don't remember what else. Garlic! I bought garlic. And a beefsteak tomato, which is a very fancy type of tomato, and good for sandwiches. But while I'm also pointing out things that happened during my grocery run, I must point out that the person at Sosio's who rang up my purchase also helped pack all the produce safely into my backpack, while guaranteeing that nothing would squish in my backpack. He was right! I walked about a mile or two with everything in my bag, and even the raspberries survived the trip intact.

Ummmmmm, I also bought a baguette and some challa bread at...I have no idea. Shit! The name of the bakery isn't on the bags. Sorry about that. But I'm sure that if you just go to all the bread shops that are across the street from the produce part of Pike Place Market--towards 1st Ave, but one more block downhill--you'll probably find a lot of bread. I can't imagine that any of it would be not-awesome.

When I remember the name, though, I'll tell you. 

Anyway, then I bought some oil and vinegar at Truffle Cafe (not actually a cafe) as a treat for myself, and also a Bad Brains musical CD at Singles Going Steady, also as a treat for myself.

And then I went home, and it was a long-ass walk to/from various bus stops, with a very heavy backpack on my back (I was also carrying textbooks in it), but I made it home with nothing squished or crushed in transit, and here we are. 

Here we are.

BREAD!

Photograph inspired by Georgia O'Keeffe.

Ate a bowl of pie filling the other day, called it a "soup."

Nothing to really say about it at this time.