(lindsay, i am purposely gonna not capitalize so don't fix that, okay? it's just a style thing i have super become attached to. also it'd be totes kewl if you could italicize where i do. i know how big of a pain in the ass this is with blogspot if the copy paste don't pick up on it. but it is super important! also also i'll send pictures and they are hecka labeled. also also also hi hello i am demanding)
[Editor's note from Lindsay to AJ: I totally did that! Hello! Hello! I am an editor now! - Ed.]
[Editor's note from Lindsay to the readers: Hello to you as well! Here are some screenshots from AJ's Twitter, because not only is he a real person, and not only is he a real person who lives, like, right over there and is fun to pal around with, but he is also a writer, and, yay! Writers who hang out with writers! In his http://www.campcounseling.com/ thing (I know, my app doesn't "do" links), he wrote about wearing Bugles on his hands like claws, and that's as good as the use of the English language gets, in my opinion. I am still hoarding an original copy of one of his film school screenplays, too, because I'm cool--and by "cool" I mean "well-intended, but douchey"-- like that. - Ed.]
TITLE: turducken scramble cheese balls in: amazon.com has way too much power.
[PICTURE 1 HERE, EDITOR'S NOT-RUDE-TO-THE-ARTICLE NOTE TO SELF - Ed.]
my day began in a confused haze. i know, i know. it sounds like am beginning a weird detective narrative, and while i like to pretend everything i do is hard-boiled, two-fisted, and pulse pounding, this haze was mostly due to having a lot of really weird dreams over the course of the night.
these dreams -- you know the kind. they aren't illogical; in fact they are sort of mundane. there's no real sense of urgency. they are heavily populated, for sure. maybe you're in a bustling city or some kind of touristy, but usually sleepy town. point is, there is life, but it has little to no interest in you.
maybe there's an aim to the dream. there might even be symbolism; it just doesn't seem quite too interested in making itself known. so you just bustle around. sure, things aren't quite right. you're relatively sure a fifteen dollar sky gondola doesn't exist anywhere near you, but whatever. you don't have to board.
then, you wake up to a text message at seven o'clock in the morning on a sunday stating that amazon.com has a package for you at some "hub" that you can go pick up. or, at least, i woke up to this. naturally, instead of going back to sleep like a sane person would since a. i don't drive, and b. anyone who gets dressed to catch some buses -- am i the only one who thinks the plural of "bus" should have more than one "s?" -- in order to pick up some action figures at seven in the morning instead of waiting might just be actually be deranged, i decided to investigate.
neither the amazon site nor the usps site could really tell me what the hell this hub was, or where it was located. it was not a local post office. it was just a thing somewhere in seattle.
i scuttled outside and checked my mailbox. all i saw was a bunch of cars parked in front of the box. i got super pissed because who does that? i don't care if it is a sunday and physical mail is about as current as gallagher, we live in the age where no one wants to talk to anyone face to face, so packages are everywhere! also, it's a dick move in general. my blood sufficently angried up, and my head bobbing up and down under extreme fatigue, i checked my mail box.
it was totally empty, so i went back to sleep because getting mad turns me into a mega-garfield and it was way too early for lasagna, and though i'm relatively sure time stopped working the way it was supposed to, i knew that no way was it monday.
...
i promise this will be about food at some point. please don't ian malcolm "dinosaurs at the dinosaur park" me. it really will. look, here's the ingredients i used to make food! and no, it doesn't hurt my case that food isn't an after thought to this that i took the ingredients picture well after cooking, as indicated by the already cooked turkey and the complete lack of mozzarella in the mozzarella tub!
[PICTURE 2 HERE - Ed.]
the genesis of this idea came about when i had those new doritos loaded abominations from a 7-11. i was on day three of a hangover (or so i thought. turned out to be phase ii of a massive migraine attack, but i digress, because of course i digress), and i'd left work early because of it. taking into account that this had been a week full of verifiably impossibly bad decisions, some kind of cheese product crusted in dorito crumbs then deep-fried seemed downright scholarly. i'm not going to relay that experience to you, because i'm a good friend, but it got me thinking: what other twists could you put on the cheese ball?
cooking them today came from the very real fact it was going to be very hot, i live in a studio apartment, and i want to do as little cooking as possible. on saturday, i ordered a bunch of gyros in the mornings that i ate all day. i had leftover mozzarella fresca, a little over a pound of turkey tenderloin defrosting, and a really good idea: i'd cook the turkey up in some duck fat, shred the meat, scramble some chicken eggs in there (thus the turducken), then cover the cheese balls in the mixture. meat and cheese dishes can be made in huge batches, then picked at all day and always taste good, in my experience, so i made a bunch.
i'm not gonna tell you how to season your turkey meat , i mean, if you wanna make these things, but the onion/worchestershire sauce/garlic mixture was to marinate beforehand, and i consider that essential. i also marinate literally everything i plan on cooking because i have a problem. speaking of essential, even though it is unsweetened, there still is that almond milk "this is like if milk was candy" taste, and that sweetness mixes with the saltiness and the nip of vinegar in the worcestershire so nicely, so i'd use it most definitely.
now, duck fat, i guess we gotta talk about that, huh? it is not a common ingredient, and it might seem a little snooty since that jar is french as can be. but, nah, it's just a third option in cooking fats! still skeptical?
okay, now, hear me out:
in one corner, you got your vegetable oils. they make everything taste all comfortable and fresh and are unobtrusive. they are the house at the end of the block that has always been there. you've never been inside, you've never really seen who lives there, but it definitely makes your block your block. in another corner, you have your butters. these are rich and inviting and hearty. they are the house you grew up in, they are grounded and feel substantial. but, here comes duck fat. it's healthier than butter and it tastes like it died to make your meal better.
...
fuck it. let's be honest. i was never gonna commit to that metaphor when all i had in my head before even starting was "it makes your dish taste like delicious martyrdom." so, use duck fat because that is a really cool turn of phrase. also, we gotta get back to the mysterious amazon text.
yeah, i bet you thought i wasn't going to come back around to that, didn't you? oh ye of little faith...
so, i wake up fourish hours after the original message, and apparently i missed a text from amazon that my package was in transit, to be delivered today. by the united states postal service. i am just baffled, because mail doesn't come on sundays! i was already confused about everything earlier, but now i legitimately don't know what reality even is. i do a little digging and apparently has enough influence that the only thing the usps delivers on sundays is amazon packages. that is unsettling. i thought the drones were bad, but that is worse. they are making people work on their day off! that is the shittiest thing you can do to a person, amazon!
in order to better assist my mail carrier, who is totally a lady my age, i go see if i can will the car from in front of my mailbox away with pure hatred.
...
okay, aside time (yes, again)
at what age does it click that, yes, of course people your age will have jobs that can be actual careers? i am almost thirty, and any time i see someone around my age with a respectable job, i am thrown for a loop. people my age do this? this can happen? where did i go wrong?
...
yeah, let's not get any more existential than that, because i used going outside as an excuse to buy an energy drink that tastes like iced tea and to check my mailbox for toys i ordered. which, naturally, hadn't arrived.
the cooking went smoothly, but as you can see from the picture, keeping these guys in shape is a fool's errand. i guess i could've breaded and fried these bad boys, but it was way too hot. also, within minutes of finishing, my package arrived, and i had these guys to play with!
[PICTURE 3 HERE -Ed.]
[PICTURE 4 HERE - Ed.]
[PICTURE 5 HERE - Ed.]
i used about 20 oz of tenderloin and four eggs, and though the egg rehydrated the turkey and added an extra dimension to the flavor profile, i probably should've used more. it ended up acting more as a binding agent which was a plus for the cheese ball, but there was so much left over mixture that having more egg could've turned it a plain scramble. that or i could've cooked it in batches instead of all in one pan, but with the heat, i wanted it done as quickly as possible. i guess i'm gonna mix the leftovers with mayo and make sandwiches out of when i run out of cheeseballs and have just the crumbly turkey and egg salad to deal with.
Hn
i probably could just eat the rest with a spoon (it tastes super good), but i'd just have this in the back of my head the whole time.
[THE LAST PICTURE HERE - Ed.]
and really, if anyone from the film predator thought less of me, i just would not be able to function. XD
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