Pears Are Better Than Apples

That's right. I'm using phrasing which I vowed to the gods of impartial statistics that I would never use.

To state that something is better than something else, without providing some kind--any kind--of testable, measurable variables with which to quantify and explain the statement creates a terrible black hole in my head where I'd want the science to be. I once had a TERRIBLE fight with an AMAZING friend, over the semantics of the phrase "better than." Because I am an asshat. I have a bizarre little blood vendetta that links me, to the death, with the undefined phrase "better than."

Plenty of people have the cognitive sophistication to infer from context exactly which variables are being weighed when "better than" is being proclaimed. But I can't guarantee that I have that ability, at least not in every situation. And I certainly can't guarantee that I'm able to imply the specifics in my own speech, so effectively that other folks will be able to correctly infer what "better than" means to me, in whichever sentence the phrase is used in. It's troubling for me, at best.

Therefore!

I am right here, right now, making my stand. A fruit stand.

Here is WHY I feel entitled to claim that pears are better than apples, until such a time as I get sick of pears and decide that I like apples better. Or until I decide that they're both equally good. Or whatever.

1. I'm not sick of pears. My household has gone through a LOT of apples this winter, but we've only recently started to buy pears. Pears are novel right now, and I like that, right now.

2. Pears are easier to eat. I have eaten two pears today, and both took nearly zero effort to consume. Because they were appropriately ripe, I really just had to kind of hold them in front of my face, and wait for them to naturally absorb. Yeah, I ate them, but it took virtually no effort at all.

Apples, on the other hand... Don't get me started!!! Apples require actual biting. In fact, I have to pay attention to where I bite an apple, so that I'm left with other, conveniently-placed spots to bite next. I have to remember that I have teeth and gums. I may have to floss. And if I want to forego the strategic steps of selecting bites and just chop it into wedges... Well... That requires finding a knife and it requires using that knife, and that requires that I stay awake long enough to complete the task. Now, I'm open to being awake at work, no question. But on my own time?!? Schyeah RIGHT!!!!!

3. Pears are soft, cooling, and their automatically purée-like consistency is great for soothing a hot, sore throat.

Now, the Pacific Northwest is famous for lots of things. We have Sasquatch, scary trees, whales, guitarists, coffee, and people with fluffy beards. But most importantly, we have head colds. Everybody, every day of every year, has a head cold out here. Or, if we're "between head colds," we still have a sore throat, some sinus congestion, and probably stinging eyes and fatigue. Always. ALWAYS.

Always.

This is why it's important to have beverages! The Pacific Northwest is a beverage paradise. We're pro-beverage, out here. We have the coffee, we have the tea, we have the fancy-fancy local beer, we have the fancy-fancy local juices.

Pears are as close to a beverage as any non-citrus, non-melon fruit I've tried so far. They kick apples' ASS in this arena.

I mean, you can bake apples until they're soft, but they're traditionally served warm. You can make applesauce as a way to kind of engineer an artificial pear, but it's a lot of work to do, and also a lot of work to eat, because applesauce requires a greater familiarity with which direction gravity is pointing, at any given moment. And you can make apple juice, but drinking it requires even MORE gravity-awareness than applesauce does. Nice TRY, apple juice. (Fuck, I could really go for a glass of apple juice, now. That sounds delicious.)

Anyway.

Pears are like a glass of juice that you can hold sideways or upside-down, without the risk of spilling. It's like they transport you to a special zero-gravity dining room, but without the intense nausea associated with trying to eat in zero-g.

Sure, some apples are juicy, cooling, and sweet. Some are every bit as delicious as a ripe pear, and some are (rarely) legitimately MORE delicious than some pears are. But they require more actual EATING to eat, and that's just not good enough for me today.

4. Pears rhyme with bears. Yes, I'm afraid of bears. But the word sounds nice.

SO, IN CONCLUSION...

Pears require less effort to eat, they cool my throat, they have the right relationship with gravity, and I think they're great because I haven't had many of them, lately.

PEARS RULE!!!

Fashion Eggs!

Following one of the GRANDEST "What was I thinking?!?" moments, I present to you...

FASHION EGGS

No explanation is being provided.

Are Pills Food? Because This Pillbox is TASTY!!!

Even though vitamins are FULL of vitamins, it might be a little bit of a stretch to review a pillbox in a food blog. But this blog is flippant, I am flippant, and goddammit if I don't eat my medicinals like a health fiend. Because that's what adults do.

So!

If you're like me, then you love tidy little containers, and you hate trying to remember what you just did.

Fear not! This sweet little number has different compartments for the days of the week, and one extra compartment for whatever. Because it is a pill box! So, when using it, you just need to remember what day of the week it is, and once you have that sorted out, you can tell whether or not you have already eaten the contents of today's compartment. It's like an advent calendar, except... Well... Except for so many things, technically speaking, if we're really going to go there. Unless you stuff it with chocolate? But anyway.

This pill box is ALSO the customized product of an unspeakably cool Etsy shop, stellarcustomimages. I cannot endorse this shop enough:

1. I love supporting Etsy shops!!! And the proprietor/artisan's customer service was ultra-friendly, and impressively fast. I wish that every Etsy shop could be so pleasantly and professionally run.

2. I love practical items that don't break when I tote them around clumsily. I'm on my second pair of earbuds this season, and looking for a third, but this pillbox is still reliable and a pleasure to look at. Really, if I haven't broken it by now, then it has earned its place among the legends. (The original Gameboy being another legend of "stuff I didn't break." This thing is, like, GAMEBOY sturdy.)

3. The graphic itself is really ON THERE. I don't think that I could remove it if I wanted to. Not that I've intended to try, but things happen, and even some curious prodding did no damage. The graphic is also well-placed, and shows no signs of the asymmetry and "quirkily homemade" flaws that are often present in one-artist productions. This is a genuinely nicer product than the fancypants pillboxes that I see in pharmacies.

4. The picture on the lid is totally up to the customer to decide.

No, really. Really. No, really. Really! It really is. It really, really is. Just let that soak in. That's freedom, baby. The flavor of freedom. Tastes unfamiliar, doesn't it? Well, just take it slow, ease into it, so that you don't get a brain freeze. It's almost too much freedom, but if you keep a cautious mind and a bold heart, you'll be well on your way toward making the right decision.

For mine, I chose a gorgeously ethereal, cloudy, blue phone photograph that I took several months ago.

At the time of its creation, I was trying to take a photograph of my cat Leonard, when my phone's camera flash started to go off. Thinking only of the convenience of my darling little animal, I tucked the camera into my right armpit, to muffle the flash of light. But when I retrieved it, something magical had happened! My navy blue sweater and the camera flash had inadvertently birthed a lovely series of increasingly pale blue circles. (Sweaters are RAD, eh?)

After having a very, very serious laugh about this, I decided to use the image in a number of aesthetically-inclined settings. The picture really turned out inappropriately attractive, given its origins.

So, when the opportunity to make it the "cover" of a go-to pillbox presented itself, I simply couldn't resist.

This pillbox is one of my all-time favorite objects, and I dare you to get one of your own, with your own favorite picture on it.

Like, I extra, extra dare you, really.

...

...

Because I love this thing!!!!!!!!