Pears Are Better Than Apples

That's right. I'm using phrasing which I vowed to the gods of impartial statistics that I would never use.

To state that something is better than something else, without providing some kind--any kind--of testable, measurable variables with which to quantify and explain the statement creates a terrible black hole in my head where I'd want the science to be. I once had a TERRIBLE fight with an AMAZING friend, over the semantics of the phrase "better than." Because I am an asshat. I have a bizarre little blood vendetta that links me, to the death, with the undefined phrase "better than."

Plenty of people have the cognitive sophistication to infer from context exactly which variables are being weighed when "better than" is being proclaimed. But I can't guarantee that I have that ability, at least not in every situation. And I certainly can't guarantee that I'm able to imply the specifics in my own speech, so effectively that other folks will be able to correctly infer what "better than" means to me, in whichever sentence the phrase is used in. It's troubling for me, at best.

Therefore!

I am right here, right now, making my stand. A fruit stand.

Here is WHY I feel entitled to claim that pears are better than apples, until such a time as I get sick of pears and decide that I like apples better. Or until I decide that they're both equally good. Or whatever.

1. I'm not sick of pears. My household has gone through a LOT of apples this winter, but we've only recently started to buy pears. Pears are novel right now, and I like that, right now.

2. Pears are easier to eat. I have eaten two pears today, and both took nearly zero effort to consume. Because they were appropriately ripe, I really just had to kind of hold them in front of my face, and wait for them to naturally absorb. Yeah, I ate them, but it took virtually no effort at all.

Apples, on the other hand... Don't get me started!!! Apples require actual biting. In fact, I have to pay attention to where I bite an apple, so that I'm left with other, conveniently-placed spots to bite next. I have to remember that I have teeth and gums. I may have to floss. And if I want to forego the strategic steps of selecting bites and just chop it into wedges... Well... That requires finding a knife and it requires using that knife, and that requires that I stay awake long enough to complete the task. Now, I'm open to being awake at work, no question. But on my own time?!? Schyeah RIGHT!!!!!

3. Pears are soft, cooling, and their automatically purée-like consistency is great for soothing a hot, sore throat.

Now, the Pacific Northwest is famous for lots of things. We have Sasquatch, scary trees, whales, guitarists, coffee, and people with fluffy beards. But most importantly, we have head colds. Everybody, every day of every year, has a head cold out here. Or, if we're "between head colds," we still have a sore throat, some sinus congestion, and probably stinging eyes and fatigue. Always. ALWAYS.

Always.

This is why it's important to have beverages! The Pacific Northwest is a beverage paradise. We're pro-beverage, out here. We have the coffee, we have the tea, we have the fancy-fancy local beer, we have the fancy-fancy local juices.

Pears are as close to a beverage as any non-citrus, non-melon fruit I've tried so far. They kick apples' ASS in this arena.

I mean, you can bake apples until they're soft, but they're traditionally served warm. You can make applesauce as a way to kind of engineer an artificial pear, but it's a lot of work to do, and also a lot of work to eat, because applesauce requires a greater familiarity with which direction gravity is pointing, at any given moment. And you can make apple juice, but drinking it requires even MORE gravity-awareness than applesauce does. Nice TRY, apple juice. (Fuck, I could really go for a glass of apple juice, now. That sounds delicious.)

Anyway.

Pears are like a glass of juice that you can hold sideways or upside-down, without the risk of spilling. It's like they transport you to a special zero-gravity dining room, but without the intense nausea associated with trying to eat in zero-g.

Sure, some apples are juicy, cooling, and sweet. Some are every bit as delicious as a ripe pear, and some are (rarely) legitimately MORE delicious than some pears are. But they require more actual EATING to eat, and that's just not good enough for me today.

4. Pears rhyme with bears. Yes, I'm afraid of bears. But the word sounds nice.

SO, IN CONCLUSION...

Pears require less effort to eat, they cool my throat, they have the right relationship with gravity, and I think they're great because I haven't had many of them, lately.

PEARS RULE!!!