NOT FOOD: Tom's of Maine Fennel Toothpaste

Oh Tom's of Maine, how I love you.

Your aluminum-free deodorants, though not a beverage (I cannot stress this enough), make me feel a little bit safer from the increased risk of Alzheimer's Disease that current medical research indicates may be one result of long-term daily exposure to aluminum in drinking water. (*ahem* Nerd moment.)

But where you really wow me, oh Tom's of Maine, is in your eccentric toothpaste flavors.

I miss your clove toothpaste. I haven't tried your clove-cinnamon toothpaste yet, but I mourn the loss of your clove without cinnamon toothpaste. It had the flavor of a clove cigarette, but with the tooth-cleaning, harmless-to-lungs benefits of being toothpaste. While clove-flavored toothpaste may not give me the "hey, she's smoking something!" cred that only smoking something can bestow, I can't care because it made brushing my teeth more interesting and pleasant. This is no small mercy given how dull and unpleasant the world otherwise feels when I first wake up. I care a great deal about the flavor of my toothpaste.

But I digress.

While moping about the toothpaste isle, failing to find the discontinued clove toothpaste, I happened upon a tiny miracle: Your fennel-flavored toothpaste!

Fennel Toothpaste

It tastes like fennel. I've eaten at least a dozen bulbs of fennel this year, maybe closer to two dozen bulbs. I love fennel.

What IS Fennel?

Fennel is a bulb that is sometimes sold (at least in American grocery stores) under the name "anise bulb," even though anise comes from a different plant. The flavor is remarkably similar to anise and similar to black licorice. It has a strange, intense sweetness that I find is perhaps even stronger as an aftertaste than it is while the plant is being eaten. Like mint, fennel smells clean and pleasant on the breath. In fact, part of why I enjoy fennel is the pleasant flavor that my breath adopts. This is also one understandable reason why I love it as a flavor of toothpaste.

Although the round bulb at the base of the stalk, rather than the stalk itself, is the most commonly eaten part of fennel, the consistency and appearance of that bulb is quite similar to celery. Although otherwise very similar in texture, fennel is meatier, thicker and less stringy than celery. (All pleasant differences, in my opinion.) I personally like to slice fennel bulbs into strips, and then eat those strips raw and without sauce or garnish. The meat of the vegetable is crisp and hydrating, and I enjoy the flavor very much. I recommend trying it at least once, if only for the experience.

Daffy Gushing About How Cool the Fennel Toothpaste Is:

This toothpaste is so curious and delicious that it deserves mention in this blog, despite not actually being food. That's right, I don't eat toothpaste and I don't consider it a kind of food.

Like, I dare anybody to buy a tube or a sampler or whatever to try this toothpaste. Seriously, like, wow.


Or, IF you happen to be someone whom I've known for years and might share toothpaste with, I dare you to ask me to bring it with me the next time I come over to your house, so that we can brush our teeth together and marvel at what a strange and marvelous product this is. I dare you. It is so awesome.

Thank you, Tom's of Maine. You have made me very happy.