Guest Writer Decker Fantastic: I HAVE A MOUTH: AND I DRINK COCONUT WATER WITH IT

An argument for the sake of coconut water

by Decker Fantastic

First of all, let it be known that I am not a smart man, I am not trained in the culinary arts, nor am I a paid food critic. [Editor's Note: Nobody here is.] I do however own a mouth. And occasionally I enjoy placing things into said mouth. This includes, but is not limited to, tasty foods and pleasing beverages. Now, coconut water can be one of those pleasing beverages. BUT! BUT! It can be awful. 

For a delicious coconut beverage, I have a few recommendations. Harmless Harvest is by far the most coconut-ish coconut water i have tried. It is very, very flavorful, and could almost be considered syrupy. It has some kind of natural processing, or some shit, that means that it doesn't ever get frozen or reconstituted or whatever, but the end result is like when you bust open a coconut and drink from the source itself. Or maybe not. I honestly don't do that very often. Either way, it's hella good, but maybe too much flavor for some people. PLUUSSS it's crazy expensive. Like fuckin 4 bucks for 8 oz, which is absolutely mind blowing. But like I said, they do a thing that doesn't hurt the coconuts, and the coconuts are picked by the supple, well lotioned hands of devout and celebate priests. So I guess it makes sense. OOOH yeah! Added bonus, sometimes the water itself is pink. At first I was like, "WHAT," but then I tasted it, and I was like "Yeaaaah." I think it's probably like that, because they scored a super coconut or something.

The one I drink the most is Taste Nirvana. It's just the green can that says coconut water. Some have pulp and some don't. My mouth doesn't like the pulp ones, but maybe it's your favorite. This one isn't as intense as the first one, but it's definitely better than most. Idon't  believe that it goes through the same enchantments and blessings as the previously mentioned one. But it doesn't taste like its been stuck in a large metal vat for a few months, either. It comes in a 16 oz can, and that's good because you can wrap a paper bag around the outside of it and still maintain some street cred.  Plus 16 oz for like $2.50 is way more cost effective than the previous applicant. 

I dunno man, if you really don't like coconut water, I doubt these two samples are going to change your mind. BUT it's worth a shot because, like, what if it turns out that you reeeeaally like it? I mean, like when I first discovered the hot sauce at the gyro place, I was mad at myself not trying it sooner. All those poor (but still delicious) gyros I had consumed could have been soo much better with the addition of that wonderful sauce. I went into mourning over the lost experience.

So basically, just drink the green can stuff, unless it's like your daily present to yourself or something, in which case go for the other stuff. And if you don't like either of those, then, well don't drink them. Give em to hobos. Hobos love coconut water.