Drank a Glass of Coffee Creamer Last Night: The Morning Aftermath

I barely ingested 1/4 cup of straight Girl Scouts Thin Mint Coffee-Mate last night before I gave up and poured the rest of it into a mug, and put the mug into the fridge to save for morning coffee. 

At the time, I reported to friends that the coffee creamer no longer tasted remotely like food, and strictly tasted like a food additive. It was a pretty horrible experience.

It is now 8:15 am. I have been awake for just under an hour. I sliced up a small gala apple and a small honeycrisp apple, and have started nibbling on them. There are two slices of sharp, aged white Tillamook cheddar thrown into the mix, to help balance out the flavors, and to help balance out the apple sugars with a bit of protein and fat. I don't want a blood sugar dip later on.

Now, I haven't an alcoholic beverage in at least a week. Not so much as a beer or glass of wine with dinner, despite having had hamburgers cooked on the charcoal grill this weekend, which is something of a classical "beer" food. I've been drinking water, because it's springtime and I've increased my exercise.

But despite my teetotaling as of late, I woke up feeling the nausea and overall ingestion-regret that I have previously only experienced a handful of other times, when I was young and had dramatically overestimated my ability to metabolize hard alcohol. In fact, it would take several times more liquor to make my morning stomach feel anywhere near as gross as this morning-after-drinking-straight-Coffee-Mate "morning stomach" feels. 

It feels similar enough to a real and proper hangover that I've started thinking of hangovers future, in addition to hangovers past.

In the past, I have promised my nonpracticing Catholic father that I will someday feel as gross as this, the morning after his wake, and we take that shit seriously in our family. He's said that he wants a live band (he's in good health, but still gave me a list of which bands just in case), he wants everybody to tell stories about him, and he wants his funeral to have a very generous open bar. I'm pretty terrified of losing my father. Not only because he's my friend and my dad and I love him and don't want him to die, but also because of the astronomical bar tab his wake is expected to generate. He'll need to live at least another twenty years before I'm financially ready for that kind of grandiosity. (The dude has a lot of friends.)

So, last night's attempt to swig straight Coffee-Mate like I think I will live forever now has me thinking about family and death, as I lurch through my morning routine.

That SAID, the coffee creamer hangover is different than an alcohol hangover in a number of ways:

1. There is not any leftover junk food in my fridge. No pizza, no nachos, nada. I'm not happy about this.

2. I woke up craving fibrous, acidic foods, instead of fluffy, fatty, starchy foods. Hence the apple slices.

3. I am thankfully still well-hydrated.

4. I don't really have much of anything in the way of treasured memories, when looking back on my evening. There were no sing-alongs, no midnight trips to the Gourmet Dog Japon hot dog stand on Pike St in Seattle, and the closest thing to a drinking game with friends was posting last night's Coffee-Mate article on my private Facebook wall, and laughing about it with friends in the comments. But I didn't get out of the house and have an adventure with people I love.

5. While I feel queasy, like the pH of my stomach is "off," I don't actually feel like my medulla oblongata (yeah, Google that one) is detecting anything literally poisonous in my body. Having finished my apples while typing this, I actually feel fine again. Fixing my stomach pH was the only thing I actually needed to do, to repair the gross bodily feelings that I had woken up to.

¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡THERE IS ALSO GOOD NEWS ABOUT THE GIRL SCOUTS THIN MINT COFFEE-MATE BRAND COFFEE CREAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bad news is obviously that it cannot be ingested like a drink of its own, even when one really, really wants some fucking Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies, because those cookies are phenomenal. I mean, come on. In recent years, the Girl Scouts have even been praised for being trans-inclusive, which is especially heartwarming given the Boy Scouts' comparative lack of LGBTQ friendliness. Trans-inclusivity is a huge win, in my book. (Hopefully in yours, too.)

Anyway.

The GOOD NEWS is not only that I got to buy something with a Girl Scouts logo on it, despite cookie season having come and gone, but also that the coffee creamer works really well as a coffee creamer! It's delicious!

I own the most effeminate coffee mug in the world.

Here's what I'm drinking:

Peet's Major Dickenson coffee, prepared via French Press with beans ground about a minute before actually going into the press.

A bit of cane sugar.

A splash of half & half.

The coffee creamer that spent the night in the bottom of that mug, uncovered, in my fridge. (Just boasting that my fridge is okay, gets thoroughly cleaned every few weeks, and doesn't stink up uncovered foods.)

CONCLUSION:

The Girl Scouts Thin Mint Coffee-Mate coffee creamer should only be used as intended.

Coffee-Mate: Girl Scouts Thin Mint Cookie Flavor

It's great, but DO NEVER POUR A GLASS OF IT AND TRY TO DRINK IT STRAIGHT.

I was pretty confident in the assumption that I was just going to understand the flavor intimately, by isolating it and meditating on it. That's what I do. If I want to understand a flavor, I taste it by itself for long enough to wrap my head around it.

But halfway through the first sip, I learned that drinking a glass of undoctored Coffee-Mate is a HORRIBLE IDEA. It needs coffee, OMG. Or vodka, maybe. Or hot chocolate. Or ANY OTHER LIQUID THAT MAY CONCEIVEABLY HELP BALANCE OUT THE FLAVOR OF STRAIGHT COFFEE-MATE.

Save yourself.

SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!

I haven't, as of writing this, tried it with coffee. But I'm sure that it would be delicious. Better than what I'm up to right now, at the very least.

UPDATE: I feel like I'm drinking a glass of lip gloss. 

Here's how far I am through the cup, now.

See how viscous it is?!? Man. Science!  

Toilet paper's not food, but c'mon.

It's time to tackle a controversial issue: toilet paper.

***WARNING: THIS BLOG POST WILL CONTAIN SOME EUPHEMISTIC AND BARELY RECOGNIZABLE REFERENCES TO HUMAN BODY PART AND SEXUALITY STUFF***

Okay, so...

Um...

This is not the best toilet paper in the world. It serves its primary function--known as "you know...toilet stuff"--perfectly well. 

But as other folks (including Neil deGrasse Tyson) have already stated very eloquently on a number of occasions, you know, something about "sewer located in the middle of an entertainment center" something-something.

This toilet paper leaves tiny little paper "snowflakes" behind wherever it goes. Even my face looks dusty, if/when I use it to remove makeup. In fact, I don't use it to remove makeup. I have temporarily switched to using cotton balls to remove eye makeup, thanks to this toilet paper.

Therefore, something-something-something, "eating," blah-blah-blah, "toilet paper," yadda-yadda, do yourself a favor and invest in something that doesn't leave papery pills and dust behind. You're worth it.

Note to Quilted Northern:

PLEASE FIX THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR PRODUCT!!!!!!! I hate giving bad reviews. I hate even just disliking things. But I wrote this blog post because, well, yeah, because I thought it was funny, but also because I needed to give myself a memorable reminder to refrain from buying this particular toilet paper again.

That's a bad sign, and it didn't have to be this way.

You know what to do: product testing and tighter quality control methods.

Seriously.

Greens, and Potato/Sweet Potato Mash. Did I Write This Already?

A friend posted on Facebook, requesting new, healthy recipes, because he'd decided to "step up his game" as a self-feeding home cook.

I posted these two recipes, and was like, "Hey! I just typed two recipes! THAT'S a food blog entry, right there."

Potato/Sweet Potato Mash

I like to roast peeled chunks of sweet potato (brushed with oil) while peeled chunks of regular potatoes boil. Once everything's fully cooked, drain the water from the boiled potatoes, add the sweet potato chunks to the same pot, and mash 'em up however you normally prepare mashed potatoes.

It's simultaneously more nutritious AND more interesting than traditional mashed potatoes, and is a good way to add a little variety to things. (Ed. I stole this idea from a cooking show, I think, but I've seen different recipes for this concept all over the place.)

Greens, How I Do Them

Here's an adaptation of Southern-style greens that I do pretty often, and it turns out a lot tastier than it has any real right to.

1. Prep the greens. Make sure that you have a bunch of edible green leaves that are clean and have been ripped into bite-sized chunks. Kale is rad, but you wanna minimize the amount of stalk in there. You can go totally nuts and prep what looks like an unmanageably huge pile of leaves, because it shrinks a lot.

2. If you like meat, brown a little bit of (usually non-breakfast) ground sausage on the bottom of a big soup pot. Leave the sausage in.

3. Fill the pot with water, scraping any brown meat residue off of the bottom, if appropriate. You can also use any kind of broth. To be traditional, use pork broth made by boiling some smoked ham hock. But I usually just go with water, and it's fine.

4. Put the leaves into the pot with the water, and get the water boiling. Use a spoon or something, if necessary, to keep mashing the leaves down until they fit into the pot. They'll shrink as the water gets hot.

5. Boil 'em as long as you want, and add a bunch of savory things to the water. A few splashes of apple cider vinegar and a bit of decent hot sauce or salsa are mandatory (I was skeptical before trying it, but I'm now a believer). After that, seasonings are "to taste."

I use salt, usually some kind of fat like butter and/or olive oil, this mystery stuff called "seasoning sauce" that I picked up in a store, worstechire(sp?) sauce, soy sauce, maybe some garlic powder, maybe some ground peppercorns, and sometimes just a subliminally little pinch of curry. I recommend tasting the broth pretty often, and having fun with this stage. I also recommend shying away from sweet additions, and leaning more toward sour and spicy additions.

Cook "to death," or until the leaves have seriously wilted, and taste good. (Ed. This is a personalized adaptation of some recipes I've seen elsewhere.)

WHAT?!? Raw cabbage and homemade fudge...OKAY?!?!?!

Yes, those ARE my tooth marks! Thank you for noticing.

For the record: not pregnant. I'm just doing this.

UPDATE: My cats are showing no interest in either of these foods, so it appears that my evening is a success.

DOUBLE UPDATE, PALATE EXPLANATION: The cabbage provides crunch and a weird vegetable flavor. When the cabbage flavor builds up too much on my palate, and starts to get spicy and overwhelming, I switch to nibbling on the fudge. Once the fudge starts to taste a little too one-note (it's my first batch, so no "extras" were thrown in), I switch back to eating the cabbage. Perfect.

Chocolate coconut ice cream update--1/2 pint in

Uhhhhhhgh.

I got booooooorrrrred.

It's like my palate isn't sensing the coconut enough anymore, and it's excessively picking up the chocolate flavor, which, if I'm honest, is imperfect. I mean, it tastes like intermediate-quality chocolate, which is still way above a lot of grades of chocolate that I'll eat. It doesn't taste like wax, so it has most candy bars trumped. But, like, it's "spending an extra four dollars on a chocolate bar at the grocer" or "buying Costco brand 'good chocolate'" good, not "took the bus to Oh! Chocolate good."

(An aside: If you can get anywhere near the Greater Seattle Area, GET YOURSELF TO OH! CHOCOLATES ALREADY. Or go to any small-business chocolatier, in whatever area you're in, really. Support the little guys who put in the hard work, and who make at least a few kinds of truffles that require refrigeration to stay fresh for more than a few days. Expired food is gross, sure, but food that expires quickly is awesome BEFORE its expiration date. Anyway.)

As I keep on tasting the coconut ice cream, as my sensitivity to the coconut is dulling and my sensitivity to the cocoa is getting louder, the whole experience has been getting one-note and flat, like trying to drink a glass of coconut milk always ends up after a while. Stupid palate! Stupid, stupid palate! Moving in the opposite direction of how I tell it to move!!!

So...to make up for what my tongue lacks, I sprinkled a bunch of salt on the second half of the pint of chocolate coconut ice cream. 

(For setting: I'm watching The Royal Tenenbaums now, and sorting the very same academic articles that I'd mentioned planning to pass out into, in my last blog entry. However, since that last post, I took some legal, prescribed-specifically-to-me-for-homework-which-is-good-because-I'm-doing-homework ADHD medication, and it woke me the fuck up. I'm even concentrating, now! Somewhat! Envision that scene as the one in which this ice cream experience is taking place.)

After adding salt, some thoughts ran through my head:

"Do I eat too much salt?"

"Am I so desensitized to the flavor of salt that I need to dump it on everything, just to taste my food?"

"Salt is hipster ketchup, isn't it? Fuck. Probably. Everything cool has fancy salt in the title, anymore. Like salted caramel whatever, or whatever."

"Salt is the new ketchup."

"Ugh. [Blank] is the new [blank] needs to be used sparingly. Like, if you're a writer, instead of removing one fashion accessory before leaving the house--really, you should add, like, a dozen accessories before leaving the house, and most of them should have little flashing blinkie lights on them, and be shaped like electronic devices--but if you're a writer, remove at one piece of '[blank] is the new [blank]' from whatever you just did. It's over. That television show got the last one. So pack it up, ship it away. The joking new adaptation of the expression is more familiar now than the original expression was. And if the parody is more famous than the original, then the parody no longer works as a parody. It's too late."

"I like that I used salt."

"Yeah, the salt definitely helped."

"Shit! I dropped my spoon!"

"I wonder if my cats will try to steal my ice cream while I'm up, getting a paper towel? Do they like vegan food? They like catnip. I'll bet they'll eat anything, at least a few tastes, because they're bored. It's what I would do in their shoes."

"Shit, am I still typing in my food blog? Dammit! Okay, back to homework. Back to homework."

************

ACTION SHOT FOR VISUAL INTEREST:

I title it "Shut Up, Sigmund Freud" or "Yes, That IS A Hairbursh In The Background."

The End.

For Now.

Finally bought some coconut milk ice cream

Why didn't I do this sooner?!? I...literally, I'm like...so, okay, like...

Obviously I love eating and/or drinking milk fat. I'm not looking to live forever. (Unless that's an option?) I've accepted the reality of mortality, such as it is. Moreover, I consider myself attractive enough as-is, to avoid avoiding "the good stuff," when it comes to a sweets emergency. (Having a final paper to finalize tonight constitutes a "sweets emergency," and the sore throat that I've recently developed has made its own contributions to the seriousness of the emergency, as well.)

And while I do care about the lifestyles of livestock, very much so, that wasn't what kept me out of the traditional ice cream today, either.

No. Today's decision to buy coconut ice cream happened because I have found myself increasingly troubled by the fact that coconut milk, while creamy, fatty, and flavorful, does not have enough sugar in it, and in spite of that problem, I haven't bothered to figure out how best to sweeten or otherwise tinker with it myself. 

As it turns out, paying somebody else to do things for me has paid off...AGAIN!

I haven't tried any other commercially-available flavors or brands. The only other coconut ice cream I can remember eating was either brand-unknown servings in Thai restaurants, or my sister's homemade coconut ice cream. So, I can hardly claim to be expert enough to provide any meaningful comparisons between brands or styles, which might otherwise provide grocery shoppers with grocery guidance.

I can say, however, that I am extremely glad that I made this purchase. If/when I eat the whole container in one sitting (I've already started that process), it will be 600 calories only, which is kinda like a small hamburger, but made out of ice cream. 

I am also grateful to FINALLY be consuming coconut milk that somebody else has sweetened. I've been drinking the Trader Joe's coconut milk out of a can lately, and it was just making me antsy. Like, it tasted like an ingredient. I mean, I get that it is an ingredient, and a genius one for things like making homemade ice cream and/or curries. But as a stand-alone beverage? Hard to do. Hard to do. It's really thick, and I experience it as having only one flavor and only one texture, and that's just not enough for long-term consumption, in instances like this.

Instead, coconut ice cream is easily, like, a THOUSAND TIMES more convenient. In fact, I probably will eat the whole carton of it in one sitting. And there's a chance that I will immediately follow that activity by "accidentally" falling asleep on the couch in a pile of academic articles, with The Royal Tenenbaums on. (I'm using that movie as an example of personality development theory reflected in cinema, because graduate school=rad.)

Okay. I have reading and writing and passing-out to do, in whichever order feels right at the time. Lindsay out! *drops mic*