I was NOT too cowardly to buy and/or eat THIS, however. Unfortunately?

So, I didn't have the mettle to commit to a pasta-stuffed Hot Pocket, but I decided to indulge my curiosity by trying another highly commercialized food product--pumpkin pie-themed, mass-produced yogurt.

It was okay, I guess?

But it was NOT pumpkin-pie-flavored enough to deserve that title!!! It actually tasted like chai tea, kind of. At least, it tasted like it wouldn't be out-of-place being called "chai tea yogurt."

But there was no pumpkin to be identified in the flavor, which is sad, because I really like pumpkin. In fact, on more than one occasion, a couple of years ago, I'd buy a $5.99 huge pumpkin pie from Costco, and just eat that for breakfast and lunch for a week, to save money. I would typically lose a little weight and experience stabler blood sugar than usual when doing so, which indicates two things:

1. I must have been eating pretty poorly, for my body to react to an all-pie diet with "FINALLY, SOME VEGETABLES!"

2. Pumpkin pie is a truly singular pie. High in fiber, its main ingredient is hearty and nutritious vegetable pulp, and it's eggier than a fruit pie, virtually an egg custard, in its way. Pumpkin pie is a miracle food. More than any other that I've experienced, it is a healing pie

I was therefore hoping to have a proper pumpkin-themed yogurt experience. I know that the yogurt manufacturers have the technology to pull this off. They make foam yogurts! The chemists responsible for designing the flavors and textures in mass-produced yogurt products wield an intimidating power to control the food elements. And they CHOSE to label a passable chai yogurt "pumpkin pie." Perhaps just to spite me, and others like me? No. More likely out of laziness.

I respect laziness, I've been known practice laziness (especially while asleep), and I don't want to resent the Yoplait chemists for taking laziness to the next level. But on this occasion, I kinda do.

I was too cowardly to buy and/or eat this.

Sure, the spouse and I both pointed at this box in unison, with the classic "Wait, wait, wait, what?!?" that certain commercial products deserve.

This item in particular is The Most Dada Hot Pocket Ever. It's filled with pasta?!?

I'm happy about this, and part of me wants to eat it, but I'm just too nervous about what an explicit carb-bomb it is.

Sure, I've eaten (and really loved) my friend Jeff's spaghetti sandwiches, and as a teenager I used to just eat slice after slice of bread the way other kids ate potato chips. So it's not like I can really claim the culinary sainthood needed to cop a holier-than-thou position of condescension, when I approach the subject of pasta-filled Hot Pockets.

However, I know that if I ate one, the sodium would cause my body to retain water like... Well, like the whole rest of the Pacific Northwest. (The puddles, mud, ferns, wetlands, ocean, etc.) I would grow creaky in my joints from the severe puffiness, and would lose the ability to comfortably operate an Xbox 360 controller. Now OBVIOUSLY, I can't risk that.

Therefore, the mystery remains a mystery, and the Limited Edition Four Cheese Garlic Pasta Bake Hot Pockets remain as lonely as an unkissed Blarney Stone, at least in my life. I'm sorry, Hot Pockets. I'm sorry I failed you.

My Favorite Mistake: Falling Asleep With This Gum In My Mouth

As a seeker of culinary enlightenment, where can I go from here? I've already reported on toothpaste, cats, mystery snacks found in my doctor's office... A pretty well-rounded base of culinary experiences too often underreported by food writers. But the wise know that enlightenment can't be aggressively pursued like some corporate takeover or fashion statement. One must cultivate an open heart, and an open mind, and wait patiently for enlightenment to present itself.

It is therefore in the pursuit of true passivity and freedom from ego that I can joyfully report upon my newest discovery.

I fell asleep with a chewed-up piece of gum in my mouth last night. Specifically, Wrigley's Extra Dessert Delights Sugar Free Gum, in the Root Beer Float flavor.

I also fell asleep fully dressed. I basically lugged myself home from work, ate dinner, and passed out.

And rightly so! I'm still paying off the sleep debt that I accrued last weekend, which some people know as Labor Day (or "American Labor Day" in Canada), a weekend also known as "PAX," or as "Heather's Birthday Weekend."

(If you're reading this, HI HEATHER!!!) ... (But if you're not Heather, and you don't know who she is--how did you find my blog, anyway?--isn't it so glamorous and mysterious to refer to some unknown birthday girl right in the middle of a review of chewing gum? Her birthday must be pretty important. Which it is, obviously, or else we wouldn't be having this conversation. No? Not impressed? Well, that's okay. I don't need to impress you, because I've already impressed myself.)

While I did my best to observe the conjunction of PAX and Heather's Birthday in a responsible fashion, staying up until 3am in speakeasies, restaurants, nightclubs, dives, and fancy hotel rooms for a long weekend meant that once the "Everyone from out-of-country is here!" adrenaline finally started to wear off, I developed a most magnificent ability to fall asleep in mere minutes--nay, seconds!--after deciding to. Hence last night's inelegant rush into my own pillow, despite being nearly a week away from my last cocktail.

But back to the subject at hand, which is the act of falling asleep with "Root Beer Float" flavored chewing gum in my mouth.

In the best of times, I can't get a full night's sleep anymore. Our new mattress is extremely firm, and gives me some absolutely royal upper back cramps. And my cats, once they see me wake up at 4am to stretch, assume that it may very well be time for breakfast. Or at least time to run over and sit on me, like little children with a pony. It's very cute, but inconvenient.

I didn't fully realize until last night just how aversive the taste of my natural morning breath is.

Inevitably, my first conscious act upon waking up in the middle of the night to stretch and roll over, was to chew the gum that I discovered was still in my mouth. I'd say to myself "Huh! There's a little flavor left! It tastes WAY better than the rest of my mouth!" I'd chew a little, go back to sleep, wake up, be pleasantly surprised by the gum, chew a little, go back to sleep, wash, rinse, repeat.

I also noticed, whenever rediscovering the gum, that my teeth felt gently cushioned by it. This was more of a relief than I'd expected it to be. Normally, I chew on the sides of my tongue a little bit when I sleep, and clench my jaws together, because my subconscious mind loves chewing. But this time? My tongue was way passé. Gum all the way! In fact, I might even invest in a bite guard, assuming that they come in root beer flavor.

Now, you might want to ask me why I could consider such a good decision as falling asleep with this gum in my mouth to be a "mistake." After all, the experience itself was obviously a total success.

Three factors must be kept in mind:

1. Choking Hazard. Only a fool or a misanthrope would seriously endorse sleeping with gum in the mouth. Because I am both a fool AND a misanthrope, the two qualities cancel each other out, and I'm left with a genuine desire to avoid choking people, by giving bad advice over the internet. Including myself, because I am also people.

2. My Teeth. Sure, the gum is sugar-free. And sure, I brush my teeth when I wake up. But can I guarantee that sleeping with gum in my mouth is safe for my teeth? That its bite guard properties are with the unknown risks? I simply don't have the dental background to make such a claim. I just don't know.

3. The Gum Itself. It's true that I not only love this gum, but I love all of the flavors in this Willy Wonka surrealist line of "Pretend it's food, fatso!" gums. It's already well-established that I love "pretend it's food" items, pretty much across the board.

And the first flavor when mawing down on this stuff is a pretty root-beery effort. I'm impressed by what the Wrigley's chemists were able to accomplish. However, as I continue to chew, the next flavor I experience is just a hint of artificial banana. It's still well-rendered and sweet enough that I'm into it, but I can't consider the gum to be an exclusively root beer float product.

In addition, when I AM awake, the flavor doesn't last as long, and the gum becomes as tough as a wad of celery strings after a couple of hours. It simply wouldn't fly as a bubble gum, which would need to retain its elastic properties and flavor much longer.

Essentially, if I were assigning the Wrigley's chemists a grade, like it was a final project in an art class, this is how I would break it down:

A+++ for creativity
B for initial flavor
C for chewiness and flavor retention, long-term

Still, it was an experience worthy of documentation.

Hard-Hitting Journalism: When Cats Steal My Food

That's right! It is tiiiiiiiime to set the record straight.

No more puff pieces about puff pastry, no more ice-cweamy-weamy wishy-washy descriptions of what I will eat. No! Today, I must needs address a more pressing, serious issue.

WHEN CATS STEAL MY FOOD

Now, if you're reading this, chances are that you already know both of my cats' first names (hi Mom!), but for the sake of quality journalism, I'm going to lay it out for you. Their names are Leonard and Gregor.


Now Greg, he's a manx, which means that while he and Leonard have the same mother, Greg's biological father was a rabbit. But when he's stealing food, he's the much more stereotypical cat. (Perhaps to compensate?) He will lick the butter off of bread, he will lick the ice cream off of cobbler, he will even pull the old classic of sticking his little nose in your milk glass and sticking his little tongue in the milk, like he grew up watching cartoons of what cats are "supposed" to act like.

Lenny, on the other hand, despite being the more traditional-looking cat, has blown the "stealing my food" stereotypes out of the water. Ka-Bam!

Leonard once stole my broccoli, and wolfed it down before I could retrieve it. He loves carbohydrates so much that he will actually chase popcorn if you throw it, and will yum it down.

And on more than one occasion, I've seen him take a bite out of the side of an unbuttered, crusty baguette, like a rat would.

In contrast, Gregory will not EVEN put any of these foods in his mouth.

And there you have it.

Cats: Just like people, or just like cats? Only time will tell.

This Doesn't Suck! HealthyChoice Greek Frozen Yogurt

I am very pleasantly surprised to report that the HealthyChoice Greek Frozen Yogurt (boasting 100 calories per serving) actually doesn't suck at all. At least, not that I can tell, right now. It is the best pseudo-ice-cream that I've had in a while. (Although Trader Joe's coconut milk ice creams also rule.)

I had guessed, after looking at the label, that it had a 50/50 chance of tasting like lip gloss. After all, the larger the corporation behind the brand, the more suspicious I feel, especially about foods that are directly targeting those among us who struggle to juggle being both vain AND sweet toothed.

Still, if I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that I'm still willing to eat a desert that tastes like lip gloss. So I bought a box, because I was curious.

Now, this opinion COULD be the result of an indiscriminate culinary palate, but I actually really like this stuff. I will buy more.

It's kind of like cheesecake, kind of like whipped gelatin... It has a weird, foamy quality that--if I'm being charitable--makes me want to blame molecular gastronomy. The flavor is similar to greek yogurt, but it lacks the sour bite. The temperature resembles ice cream, but what I'm eating now doesn't feel as cold in my mouth. It definitely still feels like junk food (it's silky in an unnatural way), but it really suits me right now. I will definitely buy more.

Paul's Boutique and Potatoes, With My Sister

This is literally footage of a watched pot that isn't boiling yet. The entertainment value is close to nil, but the filming experience was AWESOME! Two Meagher sisters reveling in some Beastie Boys, cooking a big dinner.

But still. For the sheer narcissism required to put this video on the internet, and then dedicate a blog post to it... I'm sorry.

 

Matt's Quinoa Salad

Way better than what I make:

He seasoned the quinoa with olive oil, fresh-cracked pepper, and garlic while it was cooking. Topped it with fresh, crisp bacon. Tossed it with avocado, cilantro, tomato, cucumber, celery, and scallions.

The culinary talent is not the ONLY reason why I married him, but it is certainly a very compelling facet of the attraction. Aww, yeah.

Low-Carb Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Okay, okay, okay. This is so asinine of me that I'm really proud of myself. It got an expletive AND an eye-roll out of my husband, who is busy preparing garlic pepper quinoa salad.

For my "blood sugar got low" after-work snack right now, I present to you, my low-carb grilled cheese sandwich. It is a dish of cheese that I microwaved.

Gorgonzola and "Apple Pears," on a Hoagie

This sandwich was a good idea, even if the phone photo I took is a bit unromantic.

Being Adorably Lazy and Rude at The Matador

So, last night the spouse and I opted for Happy Hour Dinner because we were both too tired to cook. I work the evening shift, so Happy Hour Dinner is our primary alternative to ordering pizza.

In the Eastside Seattle area, one of the greatest happy hour menus in the history of the (local) universe is available at The Matador in Redmond.

For the uninitiated, this restaurant/tequila bar is gorgeous. The brick building is decorated with obviously expensive metalwork and oodles of Día de los Muertos-style skeletons.

The only complaint I can muster about The Matador's Happy Hour is that they do not serve horchata. What kind of restaurant will serve tacos without serving horchata? It's otherwise a grand choice for upscale Tex-Mex in the Eastside, but I have no idea what's up with that. But otherwise, the place is essentially flawless.

So last night, over a glorious $5 mountain of greasy, awesome, complex chorizo nachos, my weary spouse and I shot the breeze. We debated mini-skirts.

My husband took the position that scant clothing in cold weather is too impractical to be sexy, and "looks stupid." Being dressed warmly, I was able to do the mental gymnastics needed to take this as a compliment.

Still, I defended our people-watching subjects. I countered that the "How to Be Attractive to Men" articles in lady-mags, and their devoted readers, do apply social pressure.

But I had to agree that this pressure doesn't reflect the actual male aesthetic sensibilities that I am most familiar with. The bottom line seems to be more about selling fashionable clothing than boosting sexual attraction. I felt smug in the assumption that fostering sexual attraction, generally speaking, has more to do with showing social compatibility, than with showing a culture-obedient wardrobe. (Generally speaking.)

And together, we old lovers shared greasy, heavily loaded chips and mutually enjoyed my lack of food shame or "date clothes" at the moment. I felt defiant, and comfortable in seasonably-appropriate layers.

PS: Please do not associate The Matador with smug couples being total dickweeds about fashion, while people-watching through the windows. The Matador is better than that.

PSS: I do still love keeping an eye on fashion, and occasionally "updating my look," even though I know that doing so doesn't necessarily make me any sexier. I do it for myself, and I have no illusions about that. I may even wear a mini skirt in cold weather someday, just to rebel against this blog post.

Whole wheat pasta & sautéed vegetables

I've just built and begun to eat a food experiment that turned out better than I expected it to.

I chopped one medium tomato and one medium zucchini, tossed them with a handful (2/3 c?) of frozen corn and sautéed the mix in olive oil over medium heat until hot. Once done, I tossed it with an approximately equal portion of whole wheat pasta, and added salt and fresh-cracked pepper to taste.

The corn makes the dish sweeter than more savory-oriented palates will like, the density of whole-wheat pasta won't please everyone, and the absence of true sauce on the pasta may meet with some open disapproval. But as a fan of simple pasta dishes, whole wheat pastas, and sautéed corn, I'm very happy with it. I will definitely do this again.

Remember This Soda: Mr. Q. Cumber

A road trip discovery, this soda tastes like fresh cucumber and cane sugar. We're halfway through the bottle and the flavor is still surprising. Very alive.

Good Idea, Bad Idea? Sparkling Kefir

This is my second glass of sparkling orange mineral water and kefir. "Of WHAT?!?"

Glad you asked.

Kefir is a healthful, yogurt sort-of beverage made from fermented milk. It's full of probiotics, protein, pro-whathaveyou. My husband doesn't drink it, but I grew up with it and I love the stuff. I prefer when it's of a good quality, and was packaged with a fruity sweetener in it.

"Sparkling orange mineral water" is store-brand carbonated water (soda water?) with a barely-detectable orange flavoring in it. Soda water seems to be a phase that I'm going through. Mostly, I've been mixing it with orange juice, and I've been very pleased with the results.

Today, I've been mixing it with kefir.

I have a bit of a head cold today, and my senses of smell and taste are dulled enough that I honestly can't really tell if what I'm drinking is any good. I can tell you that it's probably healthy? Fizzy sweet dairy reminds me of the Italian sodas that I used to get at espresso stands as a kid. But what does it ACTUALLY taste like? I don't know.

I know that right now I must like it, because I just fixed myself a second glass. I didn't have to do that. There's no one watching. I also know that I want to try adding sugar to it to see if I like it even better. I also know that I want to take a nap.

Photos have been omitted, as a courtesy, because it really doesn't look especially pretty.

Quiche Soup

Today is a snow day for the Seattle area, and being stuck at home is a perfect excuse to experiment with food. I was in the mood for a light breakfast soup to showcase my available frozen vegetables, and the end result turned out a LOT better than I'd expected it to.

Here's what I did:

Filled a small saucepan with water, added a little frozen spinach (about 1/2 cup), a little frozen vegetable medley (about 1/3 cup), and two extremely heaping tablespoons (closer to 4 tablespoons) of red-white miso paste. (Miso is my current favorite soup base, with ham hocks following in 2nd place.) I set the pot to boil until everything was hot and the miso was dissolved.

In a separate ramekin, I whipped two eggs and slowly tempered them by stirring in a little of the boiling soup. I continued to do this until the eggs were up to temperature and could be safely dumped into the soup without scrambling them.

The end result is creamy, beautiful to look at, and strikes a lovely balance between tasting rich while being low-calorie.



Estimated calories:
160 kcal for the two eggs
30 kcal x 4 tbsp = 120 kcal for the miso
15 kcal spinach
30 kcal mixed veggie medley
--------------------
= 325 calories for the whole pot of soup. Awesome!


If anybody actually decides to emulate this kitchen experiment, I have some advice:

1. Only use vegetables that you would willingly eat in an omelet or quiche. In retrospect, the vegetable medley was a questionable choice, but the spinach was spot-on.

2. The soup might benefit from the addition of ham. I was in the mood for a vegetarian breakfast and I found that the miso added enough savory saltiness for my own palate, but ham is delicious and would make the soup heartier.

3. Cheddar cheese should have been sprinkled on top. I didn't do this today (trying to keep it low-ish-calorie), but if I were serving a version of this soup to guests, cheese would definitely enhance the flavor in important ways.

4. Buttery toast also goes well with the soup. I did eat that, and I was glad that I did. Quiche benefits from crust, and this soup does well when paired with bread.

5. Fresh cracked pepper helps to dress it up, but please use pepper sparingly so that it doesn't overwhelm the rest of the dish. The same might be said for hot sauce, if anybody's feeling bold and wants to make the soup with hot sauce.

6. Please refrain from the spellings "eggsperiment," "eggcellent," et cetera. (Egg cetera?) I managed to restrain myself for the whole article, and I'm eggstremely glad that I did. Wait... NOOOO!!!!!

Technically Not Food: Homemade Face Mask

Salutations!

I have just done something cheap. It's not exactly food, but it was made using food ingredients, so I'm writing about it here.

Having found face mask prices to be a little spendy, I decided to DIY myself some pore-drying relief tonight. I am right now, as I'm writing this, wearing a homemade face mask made of baking soda and lemon juice. (Don't worry, a little Googling has assured me that lots of people use baking soda and citrus masks.)

Why it's delighting me:

1. Initially, when I squirted a little lemon juice into the ramekin of baking soda, it fizzed and expanded like a root beer float. I waited until the show was done before I smeared it around on my face, but it was still fun to watch.

2. It was assembled using ingredients from my pantry, making it nearly free.

3. I can already tell that the too-oily sides of my nose are drying out a bit, and this feels AWESOME. The face mask is nearly done, and has gotten all dry and crackly now. Sure, it looks ridiculous on a human face, the way all face masks do. But again, my skin feels like the oils in the pores are being absorbed, and that's my face mask bottom line today. Mission accomplished. (So far.)

4. Isn't lemon supposed to brighten skin or something? I'm not entirely up on these things, but it sounds like something a beauty article would say. (This is a food blog, so I'm not going to indulge in TOO much non-food homework. The lazy treatment is as good as this beauty experiment is going to get.)

5. It looks and smells kiiiiiiiiind of like lemon curd.

Photos:

Looks like lemon curd, right?

Looks like low-quality age makeup once dry.

BRAND NEW WARNING!!!

Update as of 1/18/12:

One of my friends read the blog (someone read it?!?), tried the mask, and said that it made her face sting, so she had to wash it off quickly. Therefore, I want to encourage caution. Every face has its own sensitivities, and this recipe definitely has some citric acid in it.

For what it's worth, I have good results with this recipe when I use it as a degreaser before my standard face wash (i.e. on a seriously unwashed face), and it has helped noticeably clear up my skin. It actually feels like a relief, on the occasions that I've used it. But I've only used the mask when I've had a lot of natural oils on my face, which in retrospect probably helps to protect my skin from the baking soda and lemon juice. On a clean face, it might really, really sting or burn.

Once again, I encourage caution.

This Is Not the Cookie Dough I Was Promised

Salutations! Long time no see. (Tech issues, I swear.) Happy New Year!

I have finally returned to my beloved food blog on this holiday day* to lament about a phenomena that I feel entirely ambivalent about.

I am eating a meal-replacement protein bar that is, I suppose, inspired by cookie dough. It looks like I am eating a tube of cookie dough, it really does. It's the right color. It has chocolate chips in it. Even the texture is pretty close to spot-on, apart from the crunchy/grainy/crystalline bits that I don't mind, but that do kind of break the third wall. But the flavor?!? I'll tell you in just a moment.

This bar had a high vitamin content that I didn't bother to record. And it boasts 28 grams of "Metamyosyn (R)" protein. I haven't Googled Metamyosyn, so that's still a mystery. But for all that I've bothered to decipher, it seems like as adequate a meal-replacement bar as any, more-or-less.

What it is NOT, is a good "cookie dough as a meal" replacement bar. Oh goodness no. It tastes like protein powder, and that flavor is so strong that it overpowers the taste of what I hope (but did not confirm) are chocolate chips. I personally recommend that the company responsible should switch to using a darker chocolate for the chips, so that the chocolate flavor won't be as overpowered by the taste of the protein powder.

Do I recommend eating one of these meal replacement bars instead of a small dish of raw cookie dough? I guess. But this recommendation only comes out of my concern for public health, with regard to the consumption of raw eggs and the awesome/unhealthy combo of refined sugar/refined flour/raw eggs. (Which I myself still love to eat, but in moderation and with an acceptance of the possibility of food poisoning.)

* This blog was written on January 1st, 2012, but was posted online the day after. Tech issues, I swear again!